It’s crazy, I’m thinking, just knowing that the world is round,In the beginning, there was a lot of speculation and looking forward to what would come. These days, I find myself frequently looking backward in reflection. I can’t walk past a world map without tracing line after imaginary line, connecting the dots, remembering friends, and reliving adventures. As the memories slide past, I pause purposefully on some, enjoying the sentiments they still hold. There was so much uncertainty in the beginning – so much to risk, so much to choose, so much to stake on little more than a vision and faith. Not even in my dreams could I have conceived to replace that uncertainty with the love, relationships, and memories I now have in its place, especially as beautifully and wonderfully as it has been done. A year and a half ago, my life seemed all over the place with very little direction. Just days before setting off from Brazil on the journey back home – and not really thinking about the trip I was about to embark on – I wrote to God in my journal, asking him to teach me not to wander. The funny thing is, what He taught me in the end was exactly how to wander. Sometimes life is simply about the lack of direction, drifting about in the unknown to reach wherever it is we might be trying to go. So much to risk, so much to choose, so much to stake – so much uncertainty in the beginning; but in the end, I hold no regrets.
And here I’m dancing on the ground.
Am I right side up, or upside down?
And is this real, or am I dreaming?
- Dave Matthews, Crush
I remember the emotions of planning this trip, spending whole days with my guidebook, planning out an itinerary with destinations, costs, and travel times. I was excited, anxious, and scared. Mostly the scared like when you were a kid and your Dad let you drive for the first time, or being under the lights in front of a Friday night crowd, just before kickoff. Ok, I admit it, there were moments my heart simultaneously sank to my feet and shot up to my throat, lodging itself into a lump that sent the butterflies scattering through my gut when I tried to forcefully swallow it back down. The world seemed so big back then! I could not fathom how in the world, literally, I would ever be making it all the way back home from Brazil in buses…via Tierra del Fuego no less. I would be out alone in the world, living out of a backpack, all things new, every place foreign. Yet in classic paradoxical fashion, the dauntingness of it all made me want to do it even more. I don’t know if it was just a general maleness exuding itself, or just how I grew up. Maybe both. I wasn’t the most daring one of the group, I’m still not, but I like to play hard. I like the way a bike feels when you point it down a steep dirt track, the handle bars fighting to vibrate out of your hands, the tires just starting to slip a bit as you round corners. I could never go fast enough on my skis, though I did go high enough one time; 45 stitches and an agonizing 2 week house arrest, however, didn’t keep me from flying high on my first day back, nor did it keep me from bragging about it, rather unwisely, to my mother afterwards. My competitive side didn’t stay behind on the soccer field, but barged its way in to games of Sorry with girlfriends and Halo with the boys. I loved the sense of adventure from trekking, hiking, and mountaineering. Staring an unknown continent in the face, picturing the death roads, mountain trails, and letting the imagination run wild with the unknown, a sense of adventure would be a mild way of putting what I felt.
Despite all my planning, I was unprepared for many things that I encountered. I wasn’t prepared for the kindness of strangers, the generosity of the poor, the abundant joy of those who have nothing, the friends I would make in so short a time, the connection I would make to a culture that was not mine, and finding the true meaning of friendship and trust in the One who knows me even better than I know myself. In my year and a half pilgrimage, I learned more about the world and myself than I knew possible, and more about the Who that covers the world and myself in His goodness. I was forced to confront myself on so many levels. I have never felt so uncomfortable, so unsure, so doubtful, and so cynical as on this trip. But neither have I felt so encouraged, so hopeful, so humble, so real, so alive, or so blessed.
Maybe my biggest motivation for finally deciding to go was that the whole thing seemed forbidden. Perhaps not strictly or explicitly, but it wasn’t like I was just walking out the door all nonchalant for a Sunday stroll. People were surprised enough when I said I was going to be leaving for 5 months to live in Brazil, but who ever decides that now, since I happen to be in Brazil and that whole relationship thing didn’t work out, I might as well try and get on home to the States by going overland...and takes 19 months to finally arrive? No one said you couldn’t do that…but then no one ever really expected you to do it either. A border is always a temptation, and knowing that everyday would hold a new adventure, I finally went running off of the edge that I had, until then, only cautiously approached to peer over.
I am not trying to overplay my adventure. People have done much crazier things, achieved more unreachable goals, and done so with less than I had at my disposal. Throughout history, that great human spirit of defiance in the face of adversity has been our strongest ally and greatest stumbling block. As for me, I think mainly it was my own boundaries that I was trying to break, to go beyond the limits I had thus far set for myself. As I traveled longer and journeyed farther, I found myself looking for new ways to challenge myself. Could I survive a 12 day stint in the wilderness, climbing passes over 16,000 feet, on the strength of my own legs and back? Could I really ascend 20,000 feet into that serious lack of air? I want to ride my bike down that, I’m game to run that raging river, and I’ll huck myself off that cliff…just let me get a running start first. I was always on the lookout for the next big adventure, but never at the expense of living for the moment I found myself in. Everyday became less about controlling what I could do with it, but rather enjoying whatever came at me. With each passing day, I came to learn that despite the dauntingness of the world at times, nothing is out of reach; it could, however, take a while to get where you want to go, so you might as well enjoy the ride as you go along.
“You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.”Thanks so much to you all for reading my blog. It has been a great privilege to share my life and travels with you, and while the travels are over, life is not, so we should keep on sharing those. God bless, and much love.
~Federick Buechner, Telling the Truth
